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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

YISCHEF: The Perfect Steak

Bron writes one for the carnivores...

Right, so you’re probably thinking that a vegan giving tips on how to cook the perfect steak is like a Satanist flogging the bible, but in spite of never having eaten cow in my life, I’ve managed to retain a few vital bits of knowledge from my time spent in kitchens. So here’s how to cook the perfect steak. If you follow my instructions and fail to produce the most amazing piece of charred flesh in the history of the universe, then you’re doing it wrong.

Firstly, it’s preferable that you use the best cut of meat you can find. Wagyu, aged Angus, whatever. Rib eye or sirloin, again., depending on your preference. My general rule of thumb for a 3cm thick piece of beast is to allow 2 minutes per side for a blue steak, 3 for rare, 4 for medium rare, 5 for medium and 6 for well done. For anything thicker than 3cm, allow 1 extra minute per side per centimeter.

Now, it’s most desirable to cook your steak over apple chips or charcoal, but if that isn’t possible, a smoking hot grill (either a pan, piece of iron or ridged griddle on stovetop or one of those hideous gas powered outdoor contraptions people like to misleadingly refer to as “barbecues”) will suffice. Make sure said pan/griddle is literally smoking hot.

If you feel it necessary to oil your steak (not so necessary if using Wagyu, due to its intramuscular fat content) brush the steak, NOT the grilling device, lightly with oil. Place steak on said grilling device.

Cook according to afore mention timing instruction depending on your preference. And most importantly, DO NOT TURN THE STEAK MORE THAN ONCE. Take of grill, cover with foil and rest for 4 minutes.

Devour with relish, safe in the knowledge that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, you’ll be drawing the short straw.
- B.L.


  1. Yaaaaay. I'm in for the shortest straw there is at my guess... But perhaps if you eat your steak RAW then you are not going to be polluting the environment more than necessary. My straw may just be getting longer :)

    I am reminded of a pic of a cow shitting on grass with the statement "my food shits all over yours". Well, it's true but I like my greens all the same and appreciate the shit that helps it grow or I'd have none to decent ;).

    Thank you vegan kitchen band person.

    - Aj.

    Mind, I'm not totally environmentally friendly all the time when I eat steak. There is something nice to charcoal grill marks.

  2. Btw though - very good advice and clearly stated especially for someone who is not into eating the beast.