YISCHEF: Easter Edition - Hot Cross Buns

For the buns (this makes 12):

2 sachets of dried yeast

1 tsp raw sugar

1 cup warm water

4 cups plain flour

a pinch of salt

1/4 cup brown sugar

1 tsp mixed spice

1/4 tsp ground cloves

1/4 tsp dutch cinnamon

1/2 cup currants

1/2 cup sultanas

1/2 cup muscatels

1/2 cup water

1/4 cup rice bran oil

For the cross:

1/2 a cup of plain flour

enough water to form a paste-like consistency (about 4 tbspns or so)

For the glaze:

half a cup of good quality (preferably homemade) apricot jam, melted

Do this:

Mix the yeast with the cup of warm water and raw sugar and let prove for a few minutes. Meanwhile, put the fruit, oil, 1/2 a cup of water, brown sugar and spices into a saucepan and heat. While that's happening, sift the flour and salt into a bowl. Add the yeast and warmed fruit mixture to the flour, and mix gently with a palette knife (a butter knife will suffice if you don't have one) until barely combined, then finish working the mixture with your hands till it comes together to form a soft dough. Turn out onto a floured surface and knead till the dough is smooth (usually takes about ten minutes). Chuck into lightly oiled bowl and cover with cling wrap. Set aside in a warm place till the dough doubles in size. That should take one to two (at the most) hours. Once this is done, punch dough down to its original size, turn out onto a lightly floured surface and knead until smooth. Divide into 12 even portions and roll each portion into a ball. Put the buns onto a tray lined with greaseproof paper, about a centimetre apart. Cover tray with a tea towel and put aside in a warm place for about half an hour, or until buns double in size. While that's going on, preheat your oven to 190 degrees (180 if it's fan-forced).

For the crosses, mix the flour and water together until smooth, adding more water if the paste is too thick. Put paste into a piping bag with a small nozzle (or if you don't have one, you can use one of those snap-lock bags with a corner snipped off). Pipe flour paste over the tops of the buns. Chuck your buns in the oven and bake for 20 to 25 minutes, or until they are cooked through.

Melt the apricot jam and brush over the buns while they're still warm. These are best eaten warm, preferably on the day they're made. Accompanied by a pot of strong Twinings Earl Grey tea. Enjoy!

YISCHEF: OKONOMIYAKI!

This should make enough for two people to sufficiently stuff themselves.

Mix one and a half cups of plain flour and a teaspoon of salt with enough water to form the consistency of double cream. You can also add a beaten egg (which I omit for obvious reasons).

Chuck in a couple of handfuls of mixed shredded vegetables (I use red cabbage, wombok, carrot, spring onion and fresh shitake mushrooms, but you can add squid and prawns and whatever else dead beast you fancy).

Coat the bottom of a frypan with a fitted lid (well, any frypan will do, but if you don't have one with a fitted lid you'll need to find a lid from a similar sized vessel to use) with oil (I use rice bran oil, but anything flavourless will do, like peanut or sunflower, but not olive oil) and heat over high flame.

Add batter, even out, cover with lid and cook for 7 or 8 minutes, checking every so often to make sure the bottom is not getting too dark. If it is, turn the heat down. Flip pancake and cook for another 7 or 8 minutes. It generally takes about 15 minutes all up for flour to cook out. Bear in mind I do everything by sight, so if this stuffs up, you can blame my refusal to measure anything.

Anyway, once the pancake is cooked, stick it on a plate and cover liberally with Japanese mayo (I like mixing wasabi in it, so long as it's real wasabi and not that artificial lurid coloured shit), tonkatsu sauce, bonito shavings (which I also omit for obvious reasons, and should be shaved fresh, but if that isn't possible the pre-shaved stuff from Asian grocers is acceptable) and shredded nori.

Eat.

Enjoy.

Wash down with copious amounts of plum wine and/or sake and/or Japanese beer.

- B.L.

YISCHEF XMAS Edition: "Awesome" Vegan Fruit Mince Pies

If you're looking for something delicious to go with your tofurky on Friday...


Bronwyn's Awesome Fruit Mince Pies

FOR THE FRUIT MINCE:

1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar

150 ml orange juice

1 teaspoon mixed spice

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1 teaspoon ground ginger

1/2 teaspoon grated nutmeg

50 grams dried cherries

50 grams muscatels

50 grams dried figs, finely chopped

50 grams currants

50 grams craisins

50 grams candied cumquats, finley chopped

1 tablespoon grated orange rind

as much booze (rum, brandy, cognac, grappa, etc) as you like

DO THIS:

Chuck sugar, spices and juice in pan, dissolve sugar, add fruit, simmer for 5 minutes, remove from heat, add booze, cool, put in airtight container till ready to use.

FOR THE PASTRY:

(makes about 40 x 4 cm tarts)

1 cup plain flour

2/3 cup ground hazelnuts

180 grams nuttelex

DO THIS:

Process flour, nuts and nuttelex till it resembles fine breadcrumbs, slowly add chilled water until dough just comes together, remove from processor, wrap in cling film and chill for about an hour, roll out, cut into desired shape to fit tin, chill for another hour before blind baking.

TO ASSEMBLE TARTS:

Blind bake bases for 15 minutes on 200 degrees, add fruit mince, top with stars cut from pastry scraps, bake for another 10 minutes or until lightly golden. Remove, cool, and dust with icing sugar. Stuff yourself stupid.

- B.L.

YISCHEF: Tofurky

With only a month to go before Krampus arrives to steal naughty children, Bronwyn provides you with a holiday recipe that wont harm the poor widdle aminals. Perfect for vegos, or carnivores catering for family members who don't realise the deliciousness of the the Holy Trinty of roasts that is ham, turkey and pork.

The bird:

1.5 kg firm tofu (drained and dried with a paper towel to remove as much liquid as possible) 1/2 cup fresh chopped rosemary, sage and thyme
1 Massel “chicken” stock cube
Cracked pepper
Few tablespoons of potato starch or besan (chickpea flour) in case tofu mixture is too wet

The stuffing:
1 small red onion, diced
1 clove of garlic
1 small carrot
1 sticks celery, diced
1 apple, peeled and diced
1/4 cup chopped parsley, rosemary, sage and thyme
3 cups freshly made breadcrumbs (I use stale yeast-free Italian sourdough)
1/2 cup craisins
1/4 cup chopped chestnuts
1/3 approx. cup stock (made with Massel cubes or powder)
Saute onion, garlic, celery, carrot, apple and herbs in olive oil. Mix with breadcrumbs, craisins, chestnuts and stock to form a firm but moist stuffing.

The marinade:
40ml balsamic vinegar
40ml pomegranate molasses (easily obtainable from Middle Eastern grocers)
1/2 cup port
1/3 cup chopped herbs (same as before)
1 teaspoon seeded mustard (I make my own by pounding yellow and brown mustard seeds and mixing with Keen’s powdered mustard, salt and white vinegar, but any good quality version will suffice- just read the label to make sure it doesn’t contain lactic acid)
sea salt, cracked pepper and a pinch of chilli flakes to taste
Whisk all this stuff together.

Do this:
1. Mash tofu till smooth. Mix in herbs, and pepper to taste. If it is too crumbly, add flour as required.

2. Line a colander with muslin. Place tofu mixture in colander and press into a bowl shape. Tofu should be 2-3cm thick. Keep trimmings to seal in stuffing and to fashion the wings and legs of the tofurkey. The tofu needs to be as dry as possible. Fold the muslin over it, fit a small bowl in the centre, then weigh it down with kitchen weights or tins of beans or whatever. Place in fridge to drain, over a bowl, for at least three hours.

3. Take dry tofu and place stuffing in the centre. Use tofu trimmings to seal in stuffing, making sure it's as secure as possible and invert onto greased baking tray. Use remaining trimmings to form legs and wings. Arrange on the tofurkey. Coat the tofurkey with the marinade.

4. Cook at 170C for 1 and a half hours, brushing with marinade every 15 minutes or so. Serve with gravy (Massel or Gravox or any other vegan-friendly brand) or cranberry sauce or whatever else you fancy.

- B.L.

YISCHEF: Trio of Salads, Tiramisu

These are some of the gastronomical delights Bron whipped up on Sunday... Recipes to come tomorrow...

YISCHEF: Vegan Gyoza

Here’s rather nice recipe for vegan gyoza (aka Japanese potsticker dumplings) .

Okay, as per most of my other recipes, I don't measure anything, so it's adaptable to suit your tastes.

I use white gyoza skins from the Asian grocer as the casing and the filling is a combo of mashed roast chestnuts (also available from Asian grocers in vacuum sealed packs- the European varieties are a lot more pricey, but equally decent), finely chopped dried shiitake mushrooms that have been suitably rehydrated in hot water for at least an hour (sometimes I add fresh shiitake too, if I feel like it), finely chopped leeks (white part only), sesame oil (I use it VERY sparingly, as it tends to be horribly overpowering when added with a heavy hand), finely chopped garlic chives, grated ginger, cracked pepper, a spalsh of soy sauce and a shake of shichimi (which is optional, but I have a preference for one that has yuzu in it).

Mix all this shit together till it resembles something a bit like the consistency of hamburger mince, assemble mixture in gyoza skins, cover bottom of non-stick frying pan in neutral tasting oil (such as rice bran or peanut; I prefer the former), place gyoza in, fill two-thirds of the way up the sides of pan with boiling water water, cover with fitted lid, and wait till all the water has evaporated. This is when the gyoza are done.

Stuff yourself stupid, preferably accompanied by an Asahi or 10.

- B.L.

YISCHEF: The Perfect Steak

Bron writes one for the carnivores...

Right, so you’re probably thinking that a vegan giving tips on how to cook the perfect steak is like a Satanist flogging the bible, but in spite of never having eaten cow in my life, I’ve managed to retain a few vital bits of knowledge from my time spent in kitchens. So here’s how to cook the perfect steak. If you follow my instructions and fail to produce the most amazing piece of charred flesh in the history of the universe, then you’re doing it wrong.

Firstly, it’s preferable that you use the best cut of meat you can find. Wagyu, aged Angus, whatever. Rib eye or sirloin, again., depending on your preference. My general rule of thumb for a 3cm thick piece of beast is to allow 2 minutes per side for a blue steak, 3 for rare, 4 for medium rare, 5 for medium and 6 for well done. For anything thicker than 3cm, allow 1 extra minute per side per centimeter.

Now, it’s most desirable to cook your steak over apple chips or charcoal, but if that isn’t possible, a smoking hot grill (either a pan, piece of iron or ridged griddle on stovetop or one of those hideous gas powered outdoor contraptions people like to misleadingly refer to as “barbecues”) will suffice. Make sure said pan/griddle is literally smoking hot.

If you feel it necessary to oil your steak (not so necessary if using Wagyu, due to its intramuscular fat content) brush the steak, NOT the grilling device, lightly with oil. Place steak on said grilling device.

Cook according to afore mention timing instruction depending on your preference. And most importantly, DO NOT TURN THE STEAK MORE THAN ONCE. Take of grill, cover with foil and rest for 4 minutes.

Devour with relish, safe in the knowledge that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, you’ll be drawing the short straw.

- B.L.

YISCHEF: Chilli Non Carne & Orange Polenta Cake

A new segment on the YISBLOG, Bronwyn's recipes... Vegan too!

Chilli Non Carne

Okay, so after being inspired by a conversation with Block, last night I devised a recipe for a rather splendid ''chilli non carne'', which is possibly one of the most delicious culinary creations I have ever concocted.

It involved vegan mince*, a can of organic bean mix, a bottle of tomato passata, one carrot, a stick of celery, one large red onion, four cloves of garlic, enough vegetable stock to cover, a teaspoon each of ground cumin, coriander and smoked parpika, fresh and dried chillies to taste, two tablespoons of ground almonds and a heaped teaspoon of cocoa. Sweat onions, add finely diced vegetables, chillies and garlic, sweat more, add mince, beans, coriander and cumin, fry for a couple of minutes, add passata, ground almonds, cocoa, paprika and cover with stock, bring to boil, lower heat, simmer for 20 minutes, adjust seasoning and devour. Preferably with homemade cornbread. Fucken tasty as!

*Use the Sanitarium brand in the tin, NOT in the fridge. The latter is full of preservatives and other gross shit.

Orange Polenta Cake

INGREDIENTS:

(PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL MEASUREMENTS ARE APPROXIMATE.)

125ml rice bran oil, plus extra for greasing tin

1 cup polenta

1 cup ground almonds

1 1/2 tsp baking powder

1 1/4 cups golden caster sugar

two organic oranges, boiled whole in their skins for about an hour

For the orange syrup:

3/4 cup caster sugar

1 cup orange juice

3 sprigs of fresh rosemary

DO THIS:

Preheat the oven to 180°C or fan-forced 160°C. Grease the base and sides of a 20cm springform tin and line the base with greaseproof paper, or if you're using a friand or muffin tin, omit the paper. Put the polenta, ground almonds and baking powder in a bowl and mix together. Puree the cooled, boiled oranges with the sugar and rice bran oil. Add the polenta mixture to oranges a little at a time to make a batter. Pour the mixture into the prepared tin and bake for about 50-55 minutes or until firm to the touch and golden on top. Cool for 15 minutes then transfer from the tin to a wire rack to cool.

To make the syrup, put the sugar in a pan with the juice and rosemary. Allow the sugar to dissolve over a low heat, then boil it to a thin syrup, which takes about 5 minutes. Discard the rosemary and serve the syrup warm, drizzled over the cake.

- B.L.